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Jane Eyre: The Short Version

• Jane Eyre: I’m brash, independent and free-thinking in a time and place such traits are frowned upon.
• Mrs. Reed: Yeah, I don’t like that. Me and my daughters are going to abuse you.
• Jane Eyre: Okay. Ow.
• Mrs. Reed: jk. You’re going to boarding school ‘cause I’m sick of your face.
• Headmaster Brocklehurst: You’re a liar.
• Jane Eyre: No I’m not.
• Headmaster Brocklehurst: See, right there. You just lied. Everybody laugh at this lying bitch.
• Class: Hahahaha.
• Helen Burns: I can tell you’re not a liar. I’ll be your friend.
• Jane Eyre: Really? I have a friend now?
• Helen Burns: jk. Gonna go die of typhus now.
• Class: Us too. The text has resolved to kill us off because we were mean to you, but the intertextual explanation is that our headmaster herds us like animals in shitty housing.
• Headmaster Brocklehurst: Oops. They’re building another school over there and NOT putting me in charge of it. I don’t get it.
• Jane Eyre: My childhood suffering has suddenly qualified me to be a governess.
• Alice Fairfax: We have an annoying little orphaned French girl that WILL NOT SHUT UP.
• Jane Eyre: I’m perfect for the job! Oh, no! A man fell off his horse! I should save him
• Mr. Rochester: Wow, thanks. You know, even though you’re skinny and pale and not traditionally beautiful I kind of have a thing for you.
• Jane Eyre: I’m flattered but I’ve built up too many defense mechanisms after years of systematic abuse and trauma to possibly express that to you yet. (Readers are gonna hear all about it though)
• Readers: Fuck.
• Mrs. Reed: I’m dying and I’m calling you to my deathbed.
• Jane Eyre: brb. Gonna go have a touching reconciliation with my wicked aunt.
• Mrs. Reed: Yeah, no. I called you over here to tell you that this is all your fault. PS, you have a super rich uncle and I told him you were dead a long time ago because you suck.
• Jane Eyre: Whatever. I forgive you anyway, bitch.
• Mr. Rochester: Hey, while you were gone I started flirting with someone richer and prettier than you.
• Jane Eyre: What the fuck? I thought we have a thing.
• Mr. Rochester: No, we do. Just roll with it.
• Jane Eyre: No, I wanna go live with my conveniently wealthy long-lost uncle.
• Mr. Rochester: Fuck that. I love you. Marry me.
• Jane Eyre: Oh, okay. Let’s make out.
• Mr. Rochester: Did lightning just strike that tree?
• Readers: I bet that’s symbolic. I’m calling that as being foreshadowing.
• Bessie Lee: I’m the wise old lady and I’m telling you that you should be careful with this guy, Jane Eyre.
• Jane Eyre: I hear you and I acknowledge what you’re saying as classic wise old person advice but I’m going to do the stereotypical young person thing and just completely ignore it.
• Minister: Do you two have any reasons why you can’t get married?
• Jane Eyre: Nope.
• Mr. Rochester: Nope.
• Richard Mason: Um, yeah he does. He married my crazy sister and keeps her locked in his attic.
• Mr. Rochester: Dude. Not cool.
• Readers: Called it.
• Jane Eyre: I don’t think I can do this anymore.
• Mr. Rochester: Wait, let me show you the aforementioned crazy black lady I keep in my attic so you can understand what a great guy I am.
• Readers: What the fuck?
• Jane Eyre: I guess that is kind of generous of you to keep her around.
• Readers: WHAT THE FUCK?!
• Jane Eyre: But I can’t be in love with you if we can’t get married. I’m gonna run away now.
• Mr. Rochester: No, don’t! Ah, well. She’s gone. No point running after her.
• St. John Rivers: I’ll take you in. I’m a nice missionary and I take care of my sisters.
• Jane Eyre: Cool, you seem like a nice guy.
• Readers: Careful, Jane. Something’s up with this guy.
• St. John Rivers: Hey, that rich uncle you forgot about just died and left you a shitload of money.
• Jane Eyre: Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t know him at all and won’t have to be sad now. So yeah, I’m rich, how about that? I think I’ll share it with you guys.
• Readers: What. The fuck. Are you doing?
• St. John Rivers: Cool. I want to marry you now and take you with me to India.
• Readers: Called it.
• St. John Rivers: I’m also your cousin.
• Readers: Dude.
• Jane Eyre: That part doesn’t bother me.
• Readers: DUDE.
• Jane Eyre: Okay, I’ll go with you.
• Readers: *facepalm*
• Jane Eyre: But I won’t marry you. I don’t love you. You’re getting friend zoned.
• St. John Rivers: Fuck that shit. I wanna get laid. Marry me and we’ll just fall in love later.
• Jane Eyre: Yeah, no. I’m gonna run away again and go find Mr. Rochester.
• Bessie Lee: Hey! You’re back! That crazy black lady we kept up in the attic got loose and burned the house down. Then she killed herself.
• Jane Eyre: Aw, that sucks. At least now Mr. Rochester is single.
• Mr. Rochester: Yeah, but I’m blind now from the whole incident.
• Jane Eyre: Don’t care. We’re married now.
• Readers: Yay?